While all of my dates have ranged in terms of money, jobs, education and looks ( to a certain extent- sometimes a blonde beard, sometimes a brown beard, sometimes long stubble, sometimes short stubble) – all of them have been identical in terms of how they have talked about their Ex-girlfriends. Apart from one.
And, that one has altered forever what I think about how a man talks about his ex girlfriend. I now believe that along with how a man talks about his family, how he talks about his ex girlfriend gives you a little insight into the kind of man he is. But early on in my dating, I hadn’t learnt this lesson.
I was truly shocked by the story my date had to tell me about his ex all those years ago. At the very start of our relationship she was quickly cast as the Crazy Ex. He told me – she attacked him, she tried to get pregnant without his knowledge, pretended she was ill to keep him, and even hijacked a funeral with her crazy drama. All really serious sad stuff. And, because I was falling for him, these stories hurt me because I saw how much he was hurting telling me. I was devastated for him. These stories instantly created an intimacy between us which I am not sure would have developed over time. I just so felt sorry for him- that this kind man had to endure such heartache. Because of HER.
But over time, it all started to unravel. The crazy ex, didn’t really turn out to be that crazy. It didn’t seem that she was mentally subnormal and had invented the relationship. In fact the more time I spent with his family, the more I started to get a little glimpse that all wasn’t as it seemed. They had been happy. They were in a relationship. They had even lived together – something which he had never got around to tell me. I chose to believe what he told me, probably because deep down I felt jealous that she had been with my man before me. But he was not honest.
He had effectively at the start of our relationship cast himself as the victim, by reassigning all of the guilt to her. By inventing this crazy ex girlfriend, he made himself out to be the innocent party. He accepted no blame for the demise of their relationship, she was the villain.
But I have come to realise now that women don’t go nuts for no reason. The truth is no one knows what went on in that relationships. Maybe she cheated. Maybe she talked down to him. Maybe she went nuts. But maybe not. Maybe he neglected her. Maybe he worked all of the time. Maybe he didn’t give her anything she needed. All I know is that it will be easier for him to say those same things about me rather than tell his new girlfriend the truth. I will now be cast as the Nutty Ex. It sure is easier saying that than - you know what, we split up because I neglected her. Or because we just weren’t compatible. Or because she wanted more from her life.
So lads, a little tip from me to you. Whatever went on with your ex girlfriend, don’t wash your dirty laundry in public. Boys talk. Men don’t. There are very few totally nutty ex girlfriends out there!
Now I make sure that every man I go on a second date with talks about his ex in a pleasant way, well as pleasant as can be expecting. Breaking up is shit. Emotions are fraught. We all do and say things that we regret, but I can pretty much guarantee that there is no smoke without fire. Don’t believe the one-sided stories. Because once you break up, he will talk about you in the exact same way as he had once talked about her. And some other soppy love struck dipstick will be believing every word he says about you.